Things I Miss About My Dad

Things I miss about my dad...

1. His laugh. Incredibly contagious. You just couldn't help yourself. 

2. His wisdom. So many times I just WISH I could ask his advice. "I wonder what dad would say.." 

3. The way he drank his coffee. Black. And hot. I remember one time he got his coffee, in his signature rust or avacado Tupperware mug, and promptly spilt it on himself. After yelping, shaking it off his hands and saying, man, that's hot! He took a sip. Of scalding hot coffee. What was too hot for his hands, arms and lap was the perfect temperature for his callused taste buds. 

4. The way he smoothed his hand over his hair on the side. It always reminded me of Fonzie when I was a kid.

5. Drumming. No, he didn't play the drums but he would drum his fingers on the counter top. The steering wheel. The back of your chair to some unheard tune in his head. 

6. Him whistling. I miss all of the calls. Whistling for us to come to dinner, whistling a tune he thought he made up but didn't, or whistling because he thought mom looked hot. I miss them all. 

7. His humility. Even when he deserved every pat on the back coming to him, he pointed that hand to Jesus. 

8. His tears. He would cry every time he heard, Who Am I. Every time. He never, ever made it through singing it.  He'd get weepy when I'd sing. There were many times I saw a hanky sneak behind the lense of the camcorder. He'd weep at the alter before The Lord on his knees. Many tears were shed for the disabled. 

9. Our talks. Whether it was about our family history, how amazing God's imagination is, or what the plagues of Egypt meant, we could talk for hours. 

10. Our love for books. I miss talking about books we've read together. I got him to read Judy Blume in fourth grade and he introduced me to Max Lucacdo. We've all been good friends since. 

11. Him playing the guitar. I can still hear him strumming in the living room as I'd drift off to sleep. Sometimes I still imagine it in my mind's eye. 

12. The way he changed the words to The King is Coming to suit me. "Praise God! He is coming for Becka!" Then he'd name all the kids "and Deanna and Susie and Sally and Debbie and David and Darla and..." He never left anyone out. 

13. He was fair, even when it didn't seem right. I remember getting a different punishment than Darla when we were kids and I said, "that's not fair!" And he said, "you're right. It's not fair, but it's right." So he really was fair. 

14. His generosity. He gave when he didn't have the money to give. And God always blessed him. That, and my mom would reign him in. ;) You need that balance. But he would give til his wallet was empty. I saw it many times. Gave the coat off his back. Literally. 

15. His example. I miss having him in front of me to model that Christian life. 

16. His imperfections. Because it made me realize that I could still fail and love The Lord. I didn't have to be perfect in my walk with Christ. THAT is impossible. 

17. His hugs. Oh to be squeezed until I can't breathe or to be shaken like a paint can. 

18. The scab on his bald spot. Because it always had a story behind it. Obviously hitting his head, but how was the mystery.  

19. Blueberries. No one loved blueberries like he did. No one appreciated my blueberry pies and muffins like he did. 

20. His thankful heart. He was grateful for everything. His wife, his family, his food...even if it was bad he was thankful for it. Thankful for God, his freedom, his lawn mower and everything in between. 

21. His patriotism. He'd get choked up at the Star-Spangled Banner. Removing his hat and placing it over his heart of course. Military funerals, movies or parades, there were tears. He was proud to be a Marine. I am proud of him too.

22. The way he called me Kid. A dumb nickname, but one I loved. Hi Dad... Hey Kid. I love you, Kid. Miss that. 

23. Twirling Fingers. Ok, I don't really miss this, but I miss seeing it. He'd twirl his fingers across the room and get a sinister look on his face, then tickle you til you nearly peed. I hated it when he'd do it to me, but loved seeing him in action. 

24. His silly faces. In family photos there  are three faces that are sticking their

tongues out, crossing their eyes or making some other crazy face. Me, Sally or Dad. Apple doesn't fall far...

25. His relationship with The Lord. That's what it was: a relationship. It wasn't a religion. He wasn't spiritual. He wasn't just a Christian. He was a follower, a disciple, of Christ. Even when he was sick and his mind became a blank slate, he knew The Lord. At the end, when he knew no one here, when his body had shriveled and broken down, God's Word rang true: "I will never leave you or forsake you." Dad was still teaching me. He shocked us by tapping his foot to the music, he mouthed, "It Is Well" with me (which will forever remain my favorite. I want a do over in heaven with him since I bawled through that one), and he dumbfounded the nurses through it all. But not God. 

I miss Dad more as each year flies by. As each milestone passes and he misses it. As I struggle though things and he isn't there to talk and pray through them. I would love to have him home but I know he's having more fun than I could ever comprehend. 

 I. Miss. Him. It's not fair, but it's right. 

Tie-Dye Cupcakes

So, I love to bake.  Love it.  When I was a little girl I begged and begged for an Easy Bake Oven.  Every year I circled the JCPenney's Christmas catalog around the coveted plastic oven.  Every year a piece of my heart died.  Every birthday, I begged my mom for the gold, magic box.  What little girl wouldn't want to make little cakes baked by light bulbs?  Magical.  My mom sighed and said, "Why would want to bake with that when we bake with that big oven in there? You can bake anytime you want?" So I did.

I recently posted a picture of tie dye cupcakes that I made for my sweet niece, Analee's 7th birthday party, on Facebook and there were a lot of questions on the process.  So I thought I'd make a little tutorial.

Analee-isn't she sweet?

So here goes...

First, start with your favorite vanilla cake batter.  It really doesn't matter if you use mix or make it from scratch or a combo of the two. I much prefer things made from scratch, but it's really preference and time.  

Separate the batter evenly into six bowls.

Add food coloring according to the rainbow.  I prefer Americolor gel food coloring over any other.  You don't need to use a lot, you don't break your arm stirring the batter (or frosting), and the batter (or frosting) doesn't lose it's consistency because you're stirring it so much.  It's a phenomenal product. In Janesville, the only place that sells this is Hobby Lobby. However, you can find it every where online. 

  

Ok, so after you've mixed the batter (using the rainbow colors-red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple-if you want to use indigo knock yourself out) pour each color into its own disposable pastry bag.  You can find these at a craft store that sells cake supplies; Hobby Lobby, Michael's, JoAnn's, even WalMart carries them.  Or you can get them online.

You have to snip the tip off the end of each bag.  I have a very small kitchen, so I have to utilize the space wisely.  So, instead of laying the bags down, and consequently having the batter oozing all over the place, I put them in glasses.

They don't have to match.  Obviously.

Prepare your muffin tins either by greasing the tins or by putting liners in.  I start with the purple and work my way to the red, placing a dollop in each cup, and then repeating the process until they're filled.

When they are about 2/3's filled I take the back of a spoon and swirl it around a little bit to get them so they're tie-dyeish. A tooth pick will do the trick too.  

Finished! Let them cool completely before you frost them. 

Ok, so make your favorite frosting.  I made a cream cheese one for these.  But you can make a butter cream too.  If you decide to use store bought, I would suggest to add powdered sugar to it to thicken it up.

Now comes the fun part.  :)

We're going to use the food coloring again, all six colors, but we'll need another disposable pastry bag and a paint brush.  Just a tiny one.  You can even use one of those water color ones from your kids' last year school supply.  Just make sure you wash it really well in soapy water.  Obviously.

Get a small dessert plate and squirt a small amount of food coloring, making sure none of the colors touch. That probably doesn't matter, that's just the OCD in me.

Dab your paint brush in each color and "paint" a stripe down the inside of your bag.  Repeat with each color, wiping off your brush between each application.  I didn't go in the order of the rainbow around the bag.  I didn't want one side to be "muddy" with purple, blue and green touching.  So I alternated light and dark.  But it's tie dye.  You can do whatever you want.

After your bag is striped, add your frosting.  Cut the tip off the end and pipe onto the cupcake.  Now, you can do a swirl, or whatever.  I just dropped it down and made two little "plops." haha I thought it showed the tie dye off more.  But it's certainly personal preference.  

That's it!  Easy peasy.  You can do this with a cake too.  Just divide the cake batter into 6 bowls.  Add the food color.  Put the color in the pan by scoops this time.  And swirl with the back of a spoon.  They come out awesome.  When you stack the layers, just stagger them so the colors don't line up, so when you cut into it, it's all swirly.  Very cool effect.

I just love that food coloring because it keeps the same vibrancy as it has before baking.

I hope I've passed on a little of my passion for baking along to you!  Enjoy!

Oh.  By the way, I did end up getting an Easy Bake Oven.  I bought one for my daughter.  I used it more than she did.  :)

Advice I would give to my 18 year old self

My oldest daughter, Micayla, just went to college. It got me thinking how she has her whole life ahead of her. Her journey is just beginning. I started thinking about all the advice I was given, good and bad, when I was 18. How the things I know now at 40, I wish I knew then at 18. A list started to form in my mind; things that I wish I knew, advice given through the years, and things I'm still learning. Maybe they will get you thinking of some of your life lessons.

1. Don’t worry about what people think about you

There is quote by David Foster Wallace, “You’ll worry less about what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.” Stop fretting.  Don’t let what other people’s opinion of you sway your decisions, thoughts, ideas or goals.  

2. Step outside of your comfort zone

Talk to people.  Don’t be afraid to sit with people you don’t know.  Don’t be afraid to take a class on something that isn’t related to your major.  Don’t be afraid to go outside. Fear has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise.  You can do it.

3. Be still

Peace is highly under-rated.  We live in a society where it is perfectly acceptable to answer texts and phone calls during dinner.  Watch tv while on the computer.  Do your homework while listening to music.  Instead, unplug.  Unwind. Shut everything off and be still.  For 10 minutes a day.  5 minutes.  Just.  Be still.

4. Set time for devotions

Carve out time out of your day, the same time, no matter what, where you can read your Bible and pray.  Set aside at least a half of an hour where you can discipline yourself to devote your time to the Lord.  

5. Learn from other people’s mistakes

A heroine addiction testimony is awe inspiring.  But a testimony where God saved you from that is just as awe inspiring.  Wisdom is knowing how foolish it is to walk the path of drug addiction.

6. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes

Yes, I know it’s completely contradictory to the point above.  While it is true we can learn from other’s mistakes, we can’t be so afraid to attempt something for fear of failing.  

7. Live without fear

Death is just the moment when our hourglass runs out of sand.  All any of us gets to decide is where the sand falls.  Don’t be afraid to play in the sand. Fear not.

8. Be true to yourself

Changing yourself into who you think someone wants is only hurting yourself.  You’re perfect just the way you are; the way God made you.  

9. Live today

Live for today. Just be right here, right now.  Because present is always enough.  You can’t do anything about yesterday, and tomorrow will come soon enough.  Live right now.

10. Be honest in everything

You’re only as sick as your secrets.  Be honest in your relationships, at work and with the Lord.  

11. Memorize Scripture

The older I get, the harder it is to memorize.  I wish I had committed more Scripture to memory as a child/teen/young person.  The Word is your biggest weapon when you are in the battlefields of your mind or in the trials of everyday life.

“Your word I have hid in my heart, that I may not sin against you.”

12. Say what you mean, mean what you say

People are not mind readers.  No one knows what is going on in your heart and mind but you and the Lord.  Express yourself clearly and follow through with it.

13. Change is inevitable, embrace it.

Nothing stays the same.  Change will happen.  While schedules and routines are important, a phone call, accident or job change can shake everything and turn your life upside down.  Being flexible and willing to embrace the unexpected will bring peace to your heart in an otherwise tumultuous time.

14. Live well below your means

Set yourself up on a budget and make sure you carve out a big chunk for savings.  We live in a “It’s my money and I want it NOW” society.  We deny ourselves nothing.  Tithe.  Save.  Bills. Spend.  In that order. Don’t spend what you don’t have.  Don’t live off credit.  Don’t borrow.  If you want something bad enough, work for it.

15. Be respectful

Respect goes a long way. The Golden Rule applies in every situation.  

16. Be chivalrous

If you’re a boy, duh.  But if you’re a girl, opening doors for people is just nice. Helping an older lady with her jacket on is just courteous.  Giving up your seat to a pregnant woman is the right thing to do.    

17. Never stop learning

They say we learn something new every day.  And while I believe there are gobs of information soaring out at me, I believe it is important to be diligent about it.  My brain is less sticky the older I get.  The more I read, watch, observe, study...surely something will stick.

18. Be the friend you would love to have

When you see someone sitting alone or sad, sit with them. Everyone knows what it's like to be lonely. Be Jesus with skin on.  

19. Follow God's plan for your life

Because you have memorized Scripture, spent time with Him daily and are still each day, His voice will be easier to recognize. Easier to follow. He has a perfect plan for your life. He has known what that is since the time you were conceived. He will never steer you wrong.

20. Marry a mighty man (or woman) of God

Non-negotiable.  Your heart will hurt forever if you and your mate aren’t on the same page with the Lord.  It goes without saying that the Lord should be your foundation in your life.  But He also needs to be your foundation in your relationships.  You shouldn’t even consider dating someone if they don’t have the same relationship with God. 

Bonus tip:

Never judge other people’s kids

It goes without saying that you shouldn’t judge anyone.  But you really shouldn’t judge other’s kids, because you never know how your kids will turn out.  Two kids can be raised exactly the same way, with the same values, same parents, same privileges and disadvantages and turn out completely different.  People make their own choices.

There are many, many more life lessons. I'm sure when I am 80 I will revisit my lessons and add a few more. Please share some that you have learned along the way. 

Mary Ponders

Every year on Christmas Morning, before we open presents, our family reads the Christmas story from Luke.  I have my husband or children read it because if I do, I cry. I know.  Shocker.  As I get older, the story of Christ’s birth is more real to me than ever.  My heart swells knowing God sacrificed His baby for my sins.

Kissing the face of God

Luke 2:4-20

"And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)  To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. 

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. 

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. 

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. 

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. 

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. 

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, 

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. 

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.

And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.”

The part that always gets me is “and Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

I love to share things.  I love to tell people when good things happen to me.  She just gave birth to the Son of God.  A bunch of shepherds came to see them in the middle of the night who were guided to their stable by angels.  She herself had been visited by an angel.  An angel had appeared to her husband.  Yet she held these tucked inside... to dwell on them.

I love the way The Message translation puts it: “Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself.”

Micayla and I, a long time ago

I have three children.  My oldest is 17, my son is 16, and my youngest daughter is 9.  When my daughter, Micayla, was born, 17 years ago, after everyone had left that day and I was alone with her, I sat in the bed with my knees pulled up.  I laid Micayla between them and just stared at her. In awe.  I felt so blessed that God had let me have a part in creating her.  I picked her features apart.  She had my eyes, my husbands lips, my mothers chin...it amazed me how God masterfully blended our family portraits in her.  

Did Mary do that?  After the shepherds left and Joseph fell asleep, did she pull her knees to her chest and lay Jesus between them and feel so blessed that God let her have a part in creating Him?  Did she pick His features apart?  Did He have her lips?  Her mothers chin?  Did she wonder where certain features came from? Did she wonder if His eyes were like His heavenly Father’s?  Perhaps something that was tucked away in her heart was knowing the sole purpose of her son’s birth was for Him to die.  To die for her sins.

As she gazed at her son and stowed these things in her heart, she knew the last 9 months prophesies had been fulfilled.  And more were coming.  But this night...she treasured snuggling the downy face of God.

Dancing Birds

Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad; and let them say among the nations, "The Lord reigns."-1 Chronicles 16:31

Straight ahead of me, against a clear blue sky, a small gray cloud was hanging above a busy intersection. I wondered, What was that lonely cloud doing there on such a perfect afternoon?

As if hearing my thoughts, the cloud suddenly shimmered like silver and disappeared. Then, just as suddenly, it reappeared, darker this time and in a new shape—a smile. Then I realized the "cloud" was a flock of birds. They stretched across the road like a wavy banner announcing the song that I was hearing on my radio. As the music of "This Is My Father's World" filled my car, the flock of dancing birds seemed to soar with each majestic phrase—dipping with each downbeat and swelling with each crescendo.

I wondered if the other drivers realized that they were in the audience of the Almighty. It seemed to me that all creation was rejoicing in His goodness.

With my eyes open, I prayed, "Thank You, heavenly Father, for allowing me to watch You conduct this remarkable ballet of birds. Thank You for reminding me that all creation, myself included, is part of Your song and that You are conducting every verse. May my praise and worship be as beautiful to You as Your creation is to me. Amen."

This is my Father's world—
The birds their carols raise;
The morning light, the lily white, Declare their Maker's praise. —Babcock

All of nature is a grand symphony, conducted by the Creator.

I Wonder

I wonder what it would be like to be known.  Truly be known.  Have someone see your sad face, know it's your sad face and know why your sad.  Have someone look at your tears and decipher whether they are tears of joy, sadness, grief or it's-just-one-of-those-days.

I wonder.


I wonder what it would be like to have someone know your mind.  Know what you're going to say, even before you say it.  Complete your sentence once you start.  Know what you're thinking without saying a word.

I wonder.

I wonder what it would be like to have someone know your innermost thoughts, secrets and dreams.  Things you've never told a soul, but somehow they know anyway.

I wonder.

I wonder what it would be like to have someone know your heart.  Know the good and the bad.  Know when you talked to that girl, stumbled over your words and offended her. Yet know your intentions were good.  To know when you smiled at that other girl, but you really wanted to smack her in the face.  I wonder what it would be like to have someone know what's in my heart without saying a word.

The thing is, I really don't have to wonder that hard.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." (Jeremiah 1:5)

"I'm and open book to You;
Even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of Your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence
I look behind me and You're there,
Then up ahead and You're there, too-
Your reassuring presence, coming and going (Psalm 139:1-3

Thank you, Lord, for loving me.  Individually.  I know that You love this whole world, but thank You for loving just me.  All of me.

20 Years

Yesterday was our 20th anniversary.  We don't have much money, we wanted to do something special, like go on a trip or cruise.  The 20th year is china, like 25 is silver and 50 is gold.  Since we couldn't afford a trip to China, we settled on Chinese food and a movie from Redbox.  It was fun.  :)

On our wedding day we had saved the top of our cake and froze it like everyone told us to do. So on our first anniversary we thawed out are beautiful cake with butter cream frosting and raspberry filling and went to feed each other just like we did on our wedding day.  It was nasty!!  It was dried out and tasted like we were munching on a mixture of bark and sawdust.  I was so disappointed.

Our first kiss.  Well, as husband and wife.

To be honest, that's all I remember of our anniversary.  I remember our wedding.  Our crappy honeymoon...or rather, non-honeymoon.  I remember him giving me a card on our first MONTH anniversary, but the year anniversaries kind of blend together.  However, the marriage doesn't.

I remember when Rich and I was first married and he was training in Madison.  He was usually home at a certain time.  That time came and went.  Then another hour.  And another.  We didn't have cell phones back then, so I called the training center.  They tracked him down.  He was so irritated on the phone (first irritation).  He said he'd be home soon.  When he got home he questioned me about why I called and I told him I was worried.

He said, "you know I would be home eventually."

I said, "well, I know, but I was worried.  You could have been in an accident! (first quiver of voice and spring of tears)  You could have been killed!  You could... "

"Geez Beck, you have such a wild imagination." *gasp* (first fight)

He brings me into a hug.  "I'm all right.  But I'll never hear the end of this from the guys."*sigh* (first make up)

I remember telling Rich when I was pregnant with Micayla, when I was pregnant with Dale and Abrieanna... and when I was pregnant with the two other babies...and telling him when those babies went to heaven.

I remember giving birth to Micayla...30 hours.  Then after the exhaustion of having her, Rich holding this tiny little bundle on his shoulder, rocking her, loving her... He never looked so good to me.  I had her at 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday.  At 6:45, he leans in to me to give me a kiss and says, "ok I'm going to go." (Insert surprise) "I'm going to make sure I can catch the show" (he was show director for the Rock Aqua Jays water ski show). (Insert surprise mixed with icy look with daggers).  So I sat with my little precious, sobbing hormonal tears til he came back and asked me what was wrong.  (not the first of many eye rolls)

I remember the first time he was injured at work and had to have major surgery on his back.  I stood as a young bride listening to what the doctor was telling me with his parents at my side.  I couldn't stop crying and barely comprehended what he was saying.  When I was growing up, when someone in my family checked into a hospital, they never came out.  Or if they did, they came home to die.  All I heard was Rich needed emergency surgery... that translated...Rich is going to die.  Therefore, my marriage was over.  The love of my life is leaving me.  What am I going to do?  I remember the doctor talking to me then kind of sighing, then turning to his parents to tell them the rest.  haha I imagine him rolling his eyes inside and thinking, "Sheesh!  Pull it together lady!  It's just back surgery!  He's going to be fine!"

And he was.  He came out of the surgery well, but he has lived with chronic back pain most of our marriage.

We've had a lot of great times, we've had a lot of low times.  There have been times where we've looked at each other and thought, "I have never loved you more."  And there have been times where we've looked at each other and thought, prison doesn't seem so bad.

Most of our marriage we have been in chronic pain, Rich with his back for 18 years, me with chronic headaches and migraines for 15.  But you deal.  Other people have it much worse than we do.  We've been blessed.

There have been times when we have had it pretty good financially where my dream of being able to help others came true.  We were able to pay someones bills or buy them food.  And there have been times where we didn't know where our next meal was going to come from...how we were going to pay the kids' school fees.  But God always came through for us.  He was always faithful to provide.

God has been the glue that has held our craziness together.  If it wasn't for Him, I would have fallen apart when Rich went through his back and shoulder surgeries or miscarriages, death of parents and family members, or a hundred other scary moments in our lives. If it wasn't for Him, we wouldn't have gotten through our financial problems.  If it wasn't for Him we wouldn't recognize that it was Him who provided the joy and the goodness in our life.  If it wasn't for Him, I wouldn't be so very grateful for my family.

I've been to a lot of wedding over the years.  I really listen to the wedding vows.
"for better, for worse
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness, and in health,
to love, honor and cherish
'til death do us part..."

It seems to me that sometimes those vows are taken lightly.  We tend to remember the "better" the "richer" the "health" but forget the other stuff.  Marriage is hard.  It's hard no matter who you're with.  The grass isn't greener on the other side, you just have different landscaping problems.

Now, I'm not naive enough to understand that there are times where divorce is necessary.  There are times when a man or woman truly needs to get out of an unhealthy relationship.

On my wedding day, my dad came up to me and said, "now remember, divorce is no longer in your vocabulary.  God has blessed this marriage."  True.  Although as Ruth Graham (Billy Graham's wife) said, "Divorce? no.  Murder? yes."  =)

I love my husband with all my heart.  Here's to 20 more.