Appearances

Appearances


It's so easy to feel like a failure.  So easy to be hard on ourselves.  We go to church, put on our masks of perfection and inside feel like the biggest hypocrite that has ever graced the sanctuary.  We run frantically around the house to get ready, are irritated when the juice gets spilled down the dress, yell for the kids to get in the car and screams for them to stop arguing all the way to church.  Then the plastic smiles go on as soon as the car rolls onto the pavement.  Appearances.

We hate the phrase, "you hurt the ones you love the most" because they are the ones that you want to be the most kind to.  We don't want to be irritated, cross or frustated, but it seems like that's what's left over after the mask slips.  It's exhausting.  Appearances.

We talk to our unsaved friends and try not to let our guard down.  We hold ourselves up to unrealistic expectations that are impossible to attain.  Fearing that they will see our true selves and not Christ.  Afraid that if we make a mistake, it will be the impardonable sin.  Appearances.

But in the quietness of our room, we know exactly who we are.  The mask comes off, the plastic grin is melted away, the mirror is held closely to our face and reveals every blemish.  

Today is one of those days.  It seems like the bills are piling up and the food is dwindling down.  Anxiety is rising, money is quickly disintegrating.  There's nothing like talking to a bill collector that makes you feel inadequate.  It's depressing.

It's easy to sulk, wallow, stew...be content in that muck.

Then as I was sloshing about in the slime, Abrieanna popped her head in the living room.  "Hey, Mom? What should I put in this container?"

"What is it for?" I asked as I brushed stupid, selfish tears away.

"I need to find a present.  A birthday present." She said through a big, cheesy, toothy grin.

"Who's the present for?" I tried to think of any friends that had a birthday coming up, and I certainly wasn't going to let her pack it away in my Tupperware.

"It's for my invisible friend.  She needs a gift.  She told me it's her birthday and she needs a gift.  Like now.  I don't know what to give her, but she wants something...and a snack.  I think she wants gum,"  she giggled.  Hmm, I started to think this friend's name was Abrieanna.

"Oh really? What's your friend's name?"

"Uh, let me go ask," as she ran into the kitchen.

She came flying back, "Her name is Anna, and she wants gum, and a donut and a doll.  Puleeez?"  She stood there begging and dancing as if her bladder was holding five pounds of pee.  I grinned.  Well, who could ignore the plea of a birthday girl?

I know it's simple; it may sound silly and stupid to you, but I'm so thankful God brought that little conversation at that moment to bring me out of the muck and help me focus on something else.  It reminded me a verse:  Psalm 40:2  "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."  I forgot that He was my firm stepping stone.

It's easy to have Satan pee those 5 pounds that Abrieanna was dancing, into our ear.  The filth and vile of unworthiness, shame and failure.  It's so easy to believe the bad stuff rather than the good. Jesus said clearly in John 10:10 that Satan "comes to steal, kill and destroy..." Since "the joy of the Lord is our strength" (Psalm 28:7) then he certainly wants to steal our joy.  Since I have a relationship with Christ and have "confessed with my mouth and said that 'Jesus is Lord' and believe that God raised him from the dead, I am saved" (Romans 10:9 paraphrased), then he wants to kill my salvation.  He wants to destroy my life like he did the firstborn of Israel.  He's The Destroyer.  But Hebrews 2:14 tells me "...by His death <Christ> he might destroy the power of death--which is the devil." Yet Satan does everything he can to block that from my mind.  My native language is English; his native language is lying.
  
Yet the last part of John 10:10 says, "...but I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance, to the full, till it overflows."  I believe when we put masks and plastic smiles on, we are cheating ourselves of what God wants to give us; His promises for our life. The Scriptures that my parents engrained in me as a child are brought to the surface when I call upon the name of the Lord.  My self worth, successes, failures, image...none of it is tied up in who I really am.  What I need to remember is who I am in Christ when Satan is whispering in my ear and when I'm tempted to put that mask on my face.   God wants His riches to bubble up and overflow my bathtub of life.

So, who am I?


I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5)
I am free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2)
I am far from oppression, and fear does not come near me (Isaiah 54:14)
I am born of God, and the evil one does not touch me (1 John 5:18)
I am holy and without blame before Him in love (1 Peter 1:16; Ephesians 1:4)
I have the mind of Christ (Philippians 2:5; 1 Corinthians 2:16)
I have the peace of God that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7)
I have the Greater One living in me; greater is He Who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4)
I have received the gift of righteousness and reign as a king in life by Jesus Christ (Romans 5:17)
I have received the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Jesus, the eyes of my understand being enlightened (Ephesians 1:17, 18)
I have received the power of the Holy Spirit to lay hands on the sick and see them recover, to cast out demons, to speak with new tongues.  I have power over all the power of the enemy and nothing will harm me (Mark 16:17, 18; Luke 10:17,19)
I have given, and it is given to me; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over (Luke 6:38)
I have no lack for my God supplies all of my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19)
I can quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one with my shield of faith (Ephesians 6:16)
I can do all things through Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:13)
I will do even greater works than Christ Jesus (John 14:12)
I am God's child-for I am born again of the incorruptible seed of the Word of God, which lives and abides forever (1 Peter 1:23)
I am God's workmanship, created in Christ unto good works (Ephesians 2:10)
I am a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I am a spirit being; alive to God (1 Thessalonians 5:23; Romans 6:11)
I am a believer, and the light of the Gospel shines in my mind (2 Corinthians 4:4)
I am a doer of the Word and blessed in my actions (James 1:22,25)
I am a joint-heir with Christ (Romans 8:17)
I am more than a conqueror through Him Who loves me (Romans 8:37)
I am an ambassador for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20)
I am part of a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a purchased people (1 Peter 2:9)
I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21)
I am the temple of the Holy Spirit; I am not my own (1 Corinthians 6:19)
I am the head and not the tail; I am above only and not beneath (Deuteronomy 28:13)
I am His elect, full of mercy, kindness, humility, and longsuffering (Romans 8:33; Colossians 3:12)
I am forgiven of all my sins and washed in the Blood (Ephesians 1:17)
I am delivered from the power of darkness and translated into God's kingdom (Colossians 1:13)
I am redeemed from the curse of sin, sickness and poverty (Galatians 3:13; Deuteronomy 28:15-68)
I am firmly rooted, built up, established in my faith and overflowing with gratitude (Colossians 2:7)
I am called of God to be the voice of His praise (2 Timothy 1:9; Psalm 66:8)
I am healed by the stripes of Jesus (1 Peter 2:24; Isaiah 53:5)
I am raised up with Christ and seated in heavenly places (Colossians 2:12; Ephesians 2:6)
I am greatly loved by God (Colossians 3:12; Romans 1:7; 1 Thessalonians 1:4; Ephesians 2:4)
I am strengthened with all might according to His glorious power (Colossians 1:11)
I am submitted to God, and the devil flees from me because I resist him in the Name of Jesus (James 4:7)
I press on toward the goal to win the prize to which God in Christ Jesus is call us upward (Philippians 3:14)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)
It is not I who live, but Christ lives in me (Galations 2:20)
I am an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony (Revelation 12:11)


THAT'S who I am! 


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Miss Sandi

Miss Sandi


A new cassette. Shiny, plastic covering. No cracks in the case. The artwork on the cover was beautiful. It was a photograph of a woman. She had feathered blonde hair, a soft smile and a robin blue shirt that matched her eyes. I remember suddenly wanting a pearl necklace that matched hers.


I grabbed my scissors and put the first scratch in the case trying to get that darn plastic from the store off. Dang it. I finally opened the case and popped the cassette into my boom box. I pulled the jacket out, unfolded it and followed the teeny print. Oh. My. Goodness. I'm not exactly sure how this happened, but God touched an angel's voice, threw it down and it fell into my bedroom and into my tape player. I had never heard anyone sing like that before. From the first song, "Give Him The Glory" to "The Stage Is Bare" my eyes and ears were transfixed and transfigured. Over and over I played it. I flipped it from A side to B side and back again, memorizing each word and note. Soon I was mimicking her as best I could; getting every nuance and high note down to near perfection.


My dad bought a concert video of hers. I loved how she performed. I hung on every word she spoke, every note she sang. I remember she did a spoof of "Jesus Loves Me," and mentioned how much she adored Barbara Streisand, then Karen Carpenter growing up, then proceeded to sing just like them. I thought, *gasp* "that's me!" I adored Amy Grant, sang just like her, copied her to the letter; and now this lady...Sandi Patty, to a t.


It was in that video that I saw her sign "We Shall Behold Him." By now, I was a die hard fan. I had all of her tapes to this point, nearly all of her background tapes, and now, Dad started collecting her concert videos. I loved her. Yet when I saw her sign this song, I adored her even more.


I remember sitting with my family to watch this video in the TV room. My sister, Sue, had passed away from lupus two years prior. Both of my grandmothers had just passed away and my sister, Deanna, was fighting very hard against breast/bone cancer. Her singing this song was a gift from the Holy Spirit; her signing it was her way of opening it.


"The sky shall unfold
Preparing His entrance
The stars shall applaud Him
With thunders of praise


The sweet light in His eyes,
Shall enhance those awaiting
And we shall behold Him
Then face to face


O, we shall behold Him
We shall behold him
Face to face, in all of His glory
We shall behold Him
Yes, we shall behold Him
Face to face, our Savior and Lord


The angel will shout
The shout of His coming
The sleeping will rise
From their slumbering place


And those who remain
Will be changed in a moment
And we shall behold Him,
Then face to face."


We all stared at the screen and cried. We rewound it and cried again. I studied the videotape and memorized every sign. My dad bought the background tape and soon added it to my repertoire of songs that I would sing at churches and concerts. My favorite audience was my sister, Deanna; the one fighting cancer. I'd sing that song over and over. She'd sit in the recliner, close her eyes, listen, worship, raise her hands, cry, and then at the end say, "that was very nice, Beckie. Except that last note." =) I sang it at her funeral a few months later.


My dad's third eye was a video camera.  He had it at every concert, recital and goofball moment. He had that camera when I performed that song. My brother was in the audience. He liked to hear me sing as well.


Nearly a year after Deanne died, my brother, Dave was diagnosed with cancer. Every once in awhile he would ask me to sing "We Shall Behold Him." I think when you're lying in a hospital bed, knowing death is eminent, it's comforting to know that a grave will not hold you down. Even though I love singing for my family, I also feel weird because I don't know where to look. So I close my eyes. I remember singing for Dave one time and as the last note faded I looked up and saw a tear trickle down his cheek and seep into the pillow. I remember feeling so sorry for him. Wanting to comfort him, but not knowing how.


But this is what I have come to believe: death may have been banging his door down; he was just moments from eternity; but I believe this song brought comfort to him. I believe Dave imagined himself looking at his Savior and Lord for the first time face to face. Even though he would fall 'asleep', he would wake up in a glorified body, healthy, whole, and healed, and see his Jesus before I did. That tear was a tear of joy and happiness, not one of sorrow.


This last weekend I went to Women of Faith in Milwaukee.  One of the speakers was Sandi Patty.  Oh my goodness.  When she appeared on that stage and the first notes drifted to my ears, I was suddenly twelve years old again.  I found myself hugging my knees with a big dopey grin on my face.  Her voice rose and fell, climbing over memories of my past.  Between songs, she talked of her life, her children, her struggles. She ended with a song I knew well.  She turned to a section in the arena and signed, "I will sign."  Then the music started...  Her voice rang out...  The tears fell...  "The sky shall unfold..."


There were so many emotions wrapped up in that one song.  I was truly surprised at my reaction.  You know the phrase, "tears trickled down my cheeks" well, the tears trickled, dripped, spilled, poured then gushed down my cheeks.  My cheeks got a good washing.  I thought of my sister, Deanne and my brother, Dave.  My dad with his eye glued to the video camera...a dopey grin on his face.  Then my mind rested on Dad.  It won't be long before he will truly see Jesus face to face.  It's so bittersweet.


I recorded her singing and could barely keep the camera steady.  I could have sobbed.  It's funny the emotions that bubble up to the surface when you hear a certain song.


They had autograph signings after the conference.  When I finally saw this woman of faith, I hugged her and said, "you're my Karen Carpenter! You have no idea the impact you have had on my life."  I told her one of the many stories I could have shared, gave her a final hug and nearly walked away without my picture with her.  Silly me! 


I am so blessed that she was a part of my youth.  I'm so incredibly thankful that I was able to meet her as an adult.  I love her.

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